Friendship and Social Isolation in Men: Overcoming Loneliness and Building Meaningful Connections

Why Do Men Struggle with Friendship and Social Isolation?

When we’re younger, making friends is relatively easy. We're surrounded by the same people every day, whether it’s at school or at work, and we don't really have to think much about it. We're just… there, and so are they.

But then we grow up; people move away, work gets busier, and before we know it, children come along. And just like that, the friend we used to see every week is someone we haven't spoken to in months. That’s not to say anybody did something wrong, it’s just life.

And as we get older, arranging a meetup with friends can start to feel like another appointment we have to add to the calendar. When we were kids, we could message friends and be hanging out with them half an hour later, but as adults, finding a time when everyone is free can feel impossible. For a lot of men, that's how loneliness starts. You can still think of each other as close friends, and that’s fine, but that doesn’t mean you actually find the time to talk, let alone meet up. In the end, it’s easier to just stop asking.

You Can Have Friends and Still Feel Lonely

Having said that, being lonely and being alone aren't always the same thing either. We all have those group chats that leave our phones buzzing all day long, and yet, it can still sometimes feel like no one’s really saying anything. Or conversations with drinking buddies just go round and round about the same old thing. At times, we can even feel like we need to hide things from our partners.

When this happens, it’s easy to start feeling like we don't have anyone to turn to when we’re really struggling. And let’s be honest, that’s a difficult thing to admit at the best of times.

The Things We Don't Say

I think it’s safe to say that we find it a lot easier to talk about things that are happening to us (a problem at work, something someone did that pissed us off—you get the gist) than it is to talk about how we’re actually doing. There is a lot of pressure generally to just “get on with it”, and as a result, sharing something deeper can feel “wrong”. It feels a lot safer to just say we’re fine and move on.

It can be even worse if we’ve also been hurt or let down in past relationships. This can make it doubly hard to trust people, and leave us feeling anxious that people will judge us if we share what's really going on beneath the surface. None of us want to take that first step, only to feel like we’ve made things awkward, or that we’re being seen as “downers”.

If this sounds like you, and you've spent years doing a great job of keeping people at arm's length, it makes sense that getting closer to those around you might feel uncomfortable at first. One way to start bridging that gap is to remember that you don't have to become an open book overnight.

Taking the First Step

You can start small—message someone you haven't spoken to in a while, ask them if they want to meet up. Say yes to something you would normally turn down. If someone asks how you are, try giving them a bit more than "I’m fine." You don't have to give them your life’s story, just see where the conversation goes. And don’t forget, by opening up, you’re also giving your friend the chance to do the same.

And if you want to meet new people, it might not be as hard as you think. You can start by giving some thought to what you enjoy doing, then check out if there are any clubs or social events in your area that you could join. After that, sign up! You don't need to walk in expecting to make a best friend. Just start by showing up and give yourself the time to get comfortable being around the same people regularly.

It’s bound to feel awkward at first, and that's okay. Friendship takes time. It’s also worth remembering that having just one or two people you can genuinely be yourself around can make a much bigger difference than having a long list of contacts you rarely see.

How Therapy Can Help

It goes without saying that therapy is not a substitute for friendship. But it does offer you space to think about what’s making it so difficult to connect with others. Whatever it is, you can talk about it in therapy without having to pretend that you’re doing fine.

Over time, you might also notice that it’s getting easier to understand yourself, and in turn, relate to those around you. You can begin to explore what you want your relationships to look like, and what might help you get there. Whatever you’re trying to achieve, having somewhere like therapy where you can talk honestly is a great place to start. It’s a reminder that you don't have to figure everything out on your own.

Reece Clarke is a BACP psychotherapist and founder of Third Path Therapy.